Saturday, October 3, 2009

Level design theory and applied sciences

I get a lot of emails asking “where do you get your ideas?” And my usual response is “fuck off ya stupid bastard if you are so unimaginative that you can’t even come up with a basic fucking concept for a map then you should just shoot yourself because you don’t have a single creative bone in your worthless fucking body.” But today I decided to publicly give a brief rundown of the mapmaking process due to advice given to me by my legal staff.

Step 1: Pick a theme. For example:
- snowy urban industrial warehouse
- urban industrial warehouse
- industrial warehouse in an inner city zone
- desert with urban industrial warehouses
- a warehouse with shelves and boxes
- an alleyway out behind a warehouse
- an urban industrial warehouse in Somalia
- urban industrial warehouse in outer space with red tubes, glowing crap, arches, a church, a fountain, red carpet, zany colors, things that move, dark areas, really bright areas, and music (my personal favorite)

Step 2: Start building it. Planning layouts is for sissies. Just make it up as you go.

Step 3: Use some brick textures. Everyone loves bricks.

Step 4: Picking a location for your church and fountain. You wanna make sure they are within running distance of each other.

Step 5:
Add stupid “interactive” crap to entertain your moronic fanbase. If you don’t have a fanbase yet just make shitty maps for 6 years until you do. This will require you waste the better part of your young-adult life.

Step 6: Blog about your map before it’s done. Everyone wants to read about your stupid shitty map even though you have almost no chance of ever finishing the thing. It’s important to sell t-shirts and have a release party for your boring lackluster piece of garbage too. People will want to hear about all the insane bullshit that you promise your map will do.

Step 7: Tell every website about it. Websites hate coming up with original content and will jump at the chance to pimp your work. Make sure your emails are formatted so they can easily be copied and pasted by the webmaster.

Step 8:
Compile it.

Step 9:
Have a nervous breakdown when it doesn’t compile.


Wait a minute this doesn’t explain where I get my ideas. How did that happen? Oh well save it for another blog post I guess.


  1. interesting theory, i will tweet about it

  2. I would buy t shirts that say zuhhh or gibs_r_us on them

  3. You forgot one rule:

    "Every second person in the L4D world drives a trailer truck, but not very well, since they are invariably found turned broadside on at places convenient to the mapmaker. The atmosphere of fail is so thick around them that they can neither be ducked under nor climbed over."

  4. I would buy a shirt with a picture of Zuhhh on it, or an album cover, or a velvet poster to put in my room that's lit only by black light.

  5. Man nipper you seem very angry and bitter, relaxxxx.

  6. Fuck you Nipper, you never responded to a question I had for you when I was into counterstrike like 7 years ago. I tried to contact you a few different ways but shit didn't happen, what's wrong, no time to respond to ONE fan? I don't even know what the question was, but your maps were the shit dude, me an my friends pitched our allowances together and ran a server with all your maps cause that shit was awesome. But you broke our little hearts, thanks asshole. -Tim

  7. Funny. Though I did notice you missed one REALLY important component: crates. I didn't see mention of crate!