Friday, October 30, 2009
Saturday, October 17, 2009
here is the changelog:
-Set the house on fire.
-Players start in the mouth of a giant shark.
-Added 700 new trees.
-Bathrooms now appear to be recently used.
-Replaced with moria only UPSIDE DOWN
-Added infinite panic event that starts the moment players leave the saferoom.
-Stairs are narrower
-more smokers near the stairs
-Increased the size of the tank so he looks more Balrog-like
-Giant boulder on your shoulder for those who are feelin kinda older
-Changed the greenish colors to blue to make the map more accessible to the colorblind
-Ends with a giant witch boss fight on the top of a burning oil tanker in space
-Added a church, a fountain, and an industrial warehouse
Monday, October 5, 2009
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Step 1: Pick a theme. For example:
- snowy urban industrial warehouse
- urban industrial warehouse
- industrial warehouse in an inner city zone
- desert with urban industrial warehouses
- a warehouse with shelves and boxes
- an alleyway out behind a warehouse
- an urban industrial warehouse in Somalia
- urban industrial warehouse in outer space with red tubes, glowing crap, arches, a church, a fountain, red carpet, zany colors, things that move, dark areas, really bright areas, and music (my personal favorite)
Step 2: Start building it. Planning layouts is for sissies. Just make it up as you go.
Step 3: Use some brick textures. Everyone loves bricks.
Step 4: Picking a location for your church and fountain. You wanna make sure they are within running distance of each other.
Step 5: Add stupid “interactive” crap to entertain your moronic fanbase. If you don’t have a fanbase yet just make shitty maps for 6 years until you do. This will require you waste the better part of your young-adult life.
Step 6: Blog about your map before it’s done. Everyone wants to read about your stupid shitty map even though you have almost no chance of ever finishing the thing. It’s important to sell t-shirts and have a release party for your boring lackluster piece of garbage too. People will want to hear about all the insane bullshit that you promise your map will do.
Step 7: Tell every website about it. Websites hate coming up with original content and will jump at the chance to pimp your work. Make sure your emails are formatted so they can easily be copied and pasted by the webmaster.
Step 8: Compile it.
Step 9: Have a nervous breakdown when it doesn’t compile.
Step 10: FUCK TWITTER
Wait a minute this doesn’t explain where I get my ideas. How did that happen? Oh well save it for another blog post I guess.
Friday, September 25, 2009
But my favorite of the new special infected was the newest cast member: The Sasquatch. Holy mother of mercy is this dude badass. He’s big and slow but if you get too close you become entangled in the hairy mangled carpet that covers his body. You then need to spray him with the new Weed-Killer item to free your captured comrades. The Weed-Killer takes the place of pain pills / adrenaline shot so choose wisely my fully evolved associates!
I didn’t get to see him in action that long because I was forcefully removed from the event by one of VALVe’s gestapo employees who insisted I take off my 50-gallon cowboy hat that reads “fuck all yall other mappers, NIPPER is KING! reppin’ www DOT joe DOT to bithces”. They said it was blocking peoples view. VALVe makes some good games but they dunno shit about fashionable hats.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Just received correspondence from Chet Faliszek in regards to the func_vehicle controversy. Turns out that the implementation of func_vehicle was originally planned as part of the l4d1 crash corset DLC but was bumped back to be included in l4d2. The reasoning, in his words, was because "this shit is just too god damn badass for a puny little piece of garbage DLC". He went on to add "If this don't get your body movin your body must be DEAD and at that point the survivors will melee you to death. Keep an eye out for our all-car-map campaign to be revealed at next weeks Nickel Arcade Electronic Expedition Dragon Adventure Convention".
So there you have it, strait from the armadillo's mouth folks. as_crazytank for L4D2!